WARNING: The following is a very personal post and not my usual lighthearted material. I was reluctant to publish this but you know what? I just need to get these thoughts out of my head. And share. So please, if you are going to leave a comment, be nice... this is a very sensitive topic for me.
Here goes..... so this is me, 9 years ago. Working hard and playing hard too. I was a bit sassy and I loved everything about my life.
This is how I looked and felt after my 3rd round of chemo. Stripped down to nothing. So alone.
You would think that having gone through a life threatening disease, that I would have an entirely different outlook on life. And I did for a while... everything seemed more clear and I was enlightened. But I felt odd too, like I was lost and unsure about myself. And my normal sure didn't look the way it used either. For starters, I was physically lopsided and I felt so ashamed. I can't explain the shame part... it's not my fault I got sick. I still feel self conscious a lot, but I'm so glad that I got through the worst part. I know I'm fortunate to be here. Cancer had me down on my knees, stripped of myself and I was completely vulnerable and exposed. Mostly I was in so much pain both inside and out. But I still smiled. Everyone thought I was super cool with that bald head and bandana, and I did fit in... after all, I live in LA. See? I'm smiling for the camera.
So 9 years later, life is not without its ups and downs but I am glad to say that I don't feel all that shame and hatred... I am too busy spending time with my creative outlet through my photography, and caring for my twin boys who truly are a gift from heaven. A gift so immense that something horrible needed to happen to me first in order for me to be deserving. Everything happens for a reason, right?
I know now why I had to sit in that doctor's office 9 years ago today......