A Personal Post Today - September 14th, 2010

WARNING: The following is a very personal post and not my usual lighthearted material. I was reluctant to publish this but you know what? I just need to get these thoughts out of my head. And share. So please, if you are going to leave a comment, be nice... this is a very sensitive topic for me.

Here goes.....  so this is me, 9 years ago.  Working hard and playing hard too.  I was a bit sassy and I loved everything about my life.

Then in April of 2001, I had the shock of my life when the two lumps that I found on my breast turned out to be malignant. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I went through hell.  I put up a damn good fight with the help of my doctors & nurses and mostly with the help of my family & friends. After months of undergoing all kinds of horrendous treatments and tests, 3 days after 9/11, 9 years ago today... I sat in the oncologist's office for my final chemotherapy treatment.  I sat stunned at what had just happened to our country and I cried big fat tears for myself, knowing what was coming from that injection.

This is how I looked and felt after my 3rd round of chemo.  Stripped down to nothing.  So alone.

Somehow I survived. 9 years have passed and it feels like a lifetime ago.  And yet every time I think about it, I still feel a lump in my throat which I have right now as I type this.

You would think that having gone through a life threatening disease, that I would have an entirely different outlook on life.  And I did for a while... everything seemed more clear and I was enlightened.  But I felt odd too, like I was lost and unsure about myself.  And my normal sure didn't look the way it used either.  For starters, I was physically lopsided and I felt so ashamed.  I can't explain the shame part... it's not my fault I got sick.  I still feel self conscious a lot, but I'm so glad that I got through the worst part.  I know I'm fortunate to be here.  Cancer had me down on my knees, stripped of myself and I was completely vulnerable and exposed.  Mostly I was in so much pain both inside and out. But I still smiled.  Everyone thought I was super cool with that bald head and bandana, and I did fit in... after all, I live in LA.  See?  I'm smiling for the camera.

But I hated the way I looked.  I hated the way I felt about the way I looked.  I just plain hated. How sad, right?

So 9 years later, life is not without its ups and downs but I am glad to say that I don't feel all that shame and hatred... I am too busy spending time with my creative outlet through my photography, and caring for my twin boys who truly are a gift from heaven.  A gift so immense that something horrible needed to happen to me first in order for me to be deserving.  Everything happens for a reason, right?

I know now why I had to sit in that doctor's office 9 years ago today......

My babies were waiting for me....